Watching the Clock

Today as so many others I found myself watching the clock.  I keep myself busy; tinker, go out and about, then watch the clock.  I get away from myself and get around people. I smile, laugh, and make small talk.  I feel better.  Then I get in my car, no feel worse.  I’m back home tinkering again, watching the clock.   

Watching the clock tick by, I’ve been there done that. Now today I’m there doing it again. The pain is not much different today, no matter since my tolerance level is.

Watching the clock again, no don’t do that you know better.  I tinker again, search for funny pictures on the Internet, makes me laugh, watch the clock.  Now stop.   Call a friend.  No not a good idea then I ramble.  Email a friend, no I still ramble.  Type an email to a friend, ramble, then delete it and feel better, watch the clock.  Stop it. 

Where is my inner strength?  I build my outer strength, my body.  I find my inner strength is similar to my outer.  Sometimes my legs weaken, sometimes my knees are wobbly, sometimes another step feels as one too many.  So is my inner strength.  Not so tough at times a bit worse for wear.  It needs its rest too.  Another day my inner strength will be stronger as when another day my outer strength is.

Finally it is time.  I take the pills.  Whew, now in an hour, relief will come, and as countless times before here’s my window use it wisely.  Take another breath, tinker, search for funny pictures on the Internet, makes me laugh, not watching the clock.  

Sometimes I find I do exactly what I shouldn’t.  Do I know what to do, most certainly.  Knowing what to do and doing it are two entirely different things.  So often, we preach it and not put it in practice ourselves.  Do as I say not as I do is familiar.  I heard this enough as a child.  Pain sometimes makes me feel like a child again.  Awaiting my pills as a child waits anxiously for Christmas.

Now is not the time to beat myself up.  The human factor, this is not the first and I am certain not the last where I find myself lost with the clock. In the end doing what is so hard to do, not be hard on myself.   Go on do the things that make you happy.  You did not fail.  I may not have won but then I did.  I did not win the fight with the clock but I won my battle with today’s pain.

My reward tomorrow’s run.

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